A Subtle Ache Beneath the Surface
We have all had the feeling that there must be more to life. In some cases, people “have it all”, yet there’s still an underlying level of dissatisfaction. Often, we feel there is something missing.
The Girl Who Seemed to Have it All
I don’t remember ever NOT feeling this way, which may surprise many who know me. I grew up in an upper-middle class neighborhood, a social butterfly who loved making others laugh—even if it got me scolded in class. Despite my antics, I was a strong student.
After graduating, I earned a bachelor’s degree in business and became a successful career woman. I’m sure it appeared life was easy for me and that I “had it all”.
In reality, I hovered around a happy-ish state of being, at best. I had many fun moments in life, but deep down I felt a sense of lack. This feeling weighed on my spirit. It shaped the choices I made and how I treated myself and others. The more I pushed it down and forced my way through life, the more it compounded.
Building a Picture-Perfect Life
In my late 20’s I married my boyfriend of 6 years, a good looking, intelligent guy with a steady career who treated me well. At the time I thought, “THAT’S what’s been missing, a life partner!” We had a rock-solid relationship and a flaming romance, but despite that, the sense of discontent eventually crept back in.
In my early 30’s, we had our first baby and were SO elated! Suddenly I had a strong sense of purpose and felt an abundant amount of love and joy. Lucas, my “little peanut”, was a happy, playful baby, full of life and energy. Logan (or “Logi-Bear”) came only 19 months later and was as cute as a button with his white, blonde hair, crystal blue eyes and chubby cheeks. He was sweet and funny but struggled with colic, which meant neither of us slept much. He clung to me constantly and having a baby glued to my hip 24-7 was taking its toll.
Though I didn’t always feel like myself, I loved being a mom— the story time snuggles, rocking them to sleep at night, the bond between us and being their place of comfort. It was everything I had imagined. However, motherhood also exposed deep cracks beneath the surface. Parenting is arguably one of the hardest jobs in the world and it has a tendency to expose the worst aspects of ourselves and magnify our problems. In my case, all the mud rose to the surface and left me feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and trapped in a life that was far from fulfilling.
I went on like that for several years and it took a massive toll on my spirit and on my marriage. I blamed everyone—my husband, kids, and work—as my resentment grew. I wore the badge of victim on my sleeve and guilt became a close companion. How else is a mother to feel when she resents the family she loves so much?
I attempted to analyze my way out of the situation and fantasized about leaving my husband and starting fresh. The idea of breaking my family apart and having my two young boys endure a childhood with split households tormented me. It just didn’t feel right.
Since leaving wasn’t an option in my mind, I became a martyr and was very controlling. I was hellbent on fixing everyone around me. My husband was under a critical eye and a sharp tongue. The more tightly I gripped, the greater the problems grew and the energy in our household became unbearable.
I began making poor choices that helped me escape in the moment, but were unhealthy for me and my family. I depended on vices and woke up every morning feeling tired, worn out and emotionally drained. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
When Everything Fell Apart
At 39, my bad choices caught up to me. My 12-year marriage collapsed overnight, and suddenly my boys were split between two homes—the very thing I’d feared most. My husband and I lawyered up as we moved toward divorce. It was gut-wrenching and felt like a terrible nightmare!
The Journey Back to Myself
That rock bottom moment was when I knew I needed serious help, so I sought therapy. After much deep inner work, I saw how my old beliefs about life no longer served me. This opened my heart and mind to so many different possibilities about the way I could live and soon a question surfaced; a question so simple, yet so incredibly difficult to answer:
What do you want?
This question really baffled me! It seemed like something I should be able to easily answer, but society had conditioned me to want all the wrong things, so I had never stopped to consider anything else.
Often, instead of digging deep to figure out what we want, we jump in the car and speed down the road of life, stepping on the gas when things get tough, while missing the signs to turn. Next thing you know, we’re on the wrong road! Suddenly, we end up in the middle of FREAKING NOWHERE, asking ourselves, “how the hell did I get here? I’m in the middle of some dry, arid desert, and I HATE the desert!”. We are left feeling completely lost and without any sense of direction.
If you have come to this intersection in your own life, it’s time to slow down, take inventory and commit to getting to know yourself again, or perhaps for the very first time! And that’s exactly what I did…
After a year+ of commitment and dedication, and with the help of a professional along the way, we patched up our marriage, something that once felt impossible! It turns out our marital problems had little to do with us as a couple, rather they were a result of each of us living out of alignment from our true nature. And while no marriage is ever perfect, we are stable, much more fulfilled, and we just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary! I’m a much better wife and mother now and life flows more easily. There are still regular challenges and occasional setbacks, but now I have a road map and am here to share my experience with the world. Here are the five practices transformed the course of my life forever:
- Finding the right life coach or therapist. After four traditional therapists didn’t do the trick, a friend introduced me to Rosie Acosta, a meditation/spiritual coach whose energy felt alive and hopeful. Together we uncovered the false construct under which I had been living and exposed my limiting beliefs. I was able to see how those made-up rules and boundaries kept me from being who I really am, which is why I felt “off” in life. If you don’t know where to start in finding a good coach or therapist, listen to those who inspire you. Most podcasters, bloggers and authors share resources that you can easily explore online.
- Daily moments of solitude became non-negotiable. All the hard work would have been for nothing if I didn’t make time daily to reflect on what I had learned and allow space for new insights to rise to the surface. I remember feeling there was no extra time in my day to spare, but by taking inventory and cutting out activities that weren’t serving me, I managed to create space in my day. One small (but impactful) change I made was to stop checking my phone first thing in the morning, as it caused so much stress and anxiety. I made it a new practice to only check after a certain time (usually 8am), after my morning grounding time. Not only did this free up time, but it significantly improved my mood as I started my day. Additionally, my intention to create more time for myself naturally caused the relentless demands on my time to lessen. The universe was responding to my energetic shift!
- Meditation became the bridge between my busy mind and inner calm. Meditation in its simplest definition is to know thyself. It’s sitting quietly and observing your thoughts. People tend to over analyze the process and often have expectations about each meditation session, which is contrary to its very purpose. Meditation is about being rather than doing. In the book “The Zen of Therapy”, Dr. Mark Epstein writes “people get into trouble with it because of their desire to always be in control. The line between helpful discipline and rigidifying control isn’t always so clear and when there’s a tendency toward perfectionistic striving, meditation can be recruited into serving that master.” If you’re unsure about how to meditate or just want to learn more, I highly recommend the book “The Untethered Soul” by Michael A. Singer.
- Crafting my Sankalpa- my vow to live in alignment. Sankalpa is a Sanskrit word, popularly used in ancient yogic philosophy. The word “san” signifies a connection with the highest truth. The word “kalpa” means a vow of the highest order. So put together, Sankalpa is a vow taken by a person to align their actions and realize their highest truth. It took time to craft my Sankalpa, but the creative process was fun, and it has become my guiding light. I will share my personal Sankalpa to give you a feel for it, but it’s important to create one that’s completely unique to you: “I will remain open and connected to source, to love and being loved, to nourishing my mind, body and soul, and to living a passionate life, full of vitality and new experiences.” Here’s a good resource if you want to create your own: How to Create a Sankalpa (yogainternational.com).
- A letter I penned from my future self became a vision map for the next decade. Ten years is distant enough for our minds to let go of fictitious limitations and become more open, allowing us permission to dream. In this letter, I painted a vivid picture of my life in ten years and described my days in vivid detail. I shared my future self’s wisdom with my younger self about what to focus on, what to let go of, and how to dream big!
If you’re ready to commit to improving your life, embrace the patience to take it one day at a time and focus on being present, open, curious, and vulnerable. And be gentle on yourself along the way. We all have parts of our past we wish we could do over, but it’s only useful to look back when you’re trying to understand what led you there in the first place.
Investing the time to get to know yourself deeply and what is meaningful to the unique, one-of-a-kind you, is worth every ounce of energy you pour into it! You have the power to design the life you really want and live with passion and purpose!